What I Don’t Want For Christmas

It’s here. That most wonderful time of the year when we’re all running around buying this and decorating that. When I realized the other day that it was December 1st, I immediately got that old, familiar pit in my stomach that only comes once the holiday season rolls around. It’s called the “how am I EVER going to get all this done” pit, and it sits nice and low humming at a frequency that sounds like “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.”

Remember when Christmas was nothing but fun? All you really worried about was whether Santa, or anyone for that matter, would bring you everything on your list, including the Malibu Barbie van and the Easy Bake Oven. Those were the days.

Now it’s about decorating. Buying. Planning. Attending. Making lists. Checking them twice. When in the hell did I become Santa? I never asked for this job.

My family is asking me what I want for Christmas. I’m not really sure what I want, but here’s what I don’t want.

1.  A Treadmill Desk

Have you seen these? The idea is to walk on the treadmill while you work at your desk. What? Listen, I have a few friends who have these or are coveting one. They are all awesome people, who inspire me daily with their wit and their wisdom. But, there is no way in hell they could convince me to get on one of these.

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I dedicate plenty of time in my life to working out and time on the treadmill is my least favorite way to do it. Something tells me that a treadmill desk would not inspire me to do anything except get off the never-ending treadmill that life would become when you are forced to walk while you work.

2.  A Fat Burning Cold Shoulder Ice Vest

This is a vest you wear around the house, or at the office, or while your running errands. Supposedly it helps you burn fat. This is a theory I first heard espoused by the great Tim Ferris. And while Tim has his charms, (and loads of brilliant ideas) soaking in an ice bath or wearing an ice vest is the last thing I would do to lose weight. (Except give up wine, that would be the last thing I would do). I don’t like to be cold. Ever. That’s why I moved to Florida. I get cold when the temperature drops to 72 degrees. Brrr. I’m giving this vest the cold shoulder.

3.  An Ostrich Pillow

This thing is ridiculous. Really? Who would wear this? Supposedly it’s the nap anywhere pillow you wear on your head. You can wear when you fly to avoid talking to your seat neighbor or when you need a power nap at the office or school.

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Oh, and an added feature? It has two side holes where you can put your hands if you are sleeping slumped over a table.

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It’s one size fits all, which may make it a tight fit for your big headed friends. You should not smoke while wearing it. That’s what the instructions say anyway. Oh, and let’s not overlook the fact that this gives a whole new meaning to term, “hat head.”

4. Putting Too Much Pressure on Myself

This year I’m going to relax. I’m going to realize that Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect. I’m going to take time to be nice to myself. Pour a glass of wine. Get a massage. Call an old friend. Read a good book. Christmas will be beautiful and special regardless of whether every bow is neatly tied and every task is crossed off the list.

But just in case number 4 doesn’t work out, I might need that treadmill desk to burn off some stress. The ice vest to burn off the fat I’ll put on from drinking too much wine. And the ostrich pillow so I can sneak in a few naps while I’m out power shopping this month.

If you’re at the mall and see a woman, who’s 5’9 and wearing an ostrich pillow, you’ll know it’s me.

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