“You see? This is how it starts. Next thing you know, we’re only having sex three or four times a week.” Samantha Jones, Sex and the City.
There’s a lot of hoopla out there about the outrageously wonderful benefits of sex. The beloved Dr. Oz is a huge proponent of having sex. A lot of sex. Apparently, having sex is one of the best things you can do for your health. It increases immunity, lowers blood pressure, reduces stress, makes you sleep sounder, makes you happier, and when done with someone who adores you, boosts your self-image. And men get the extra benefit of improved prostate health.
So with all these benefits, why aren’t we knockin’ boots, gettin’ busy, and making love like, all the time? My guess is intimacy. Those of you in relationships know what I’m talking about. All the stuff that gets in the way of feeling close to your significant other – jobs; money; kids; dogs; the new episode of NCIS or whatever show comes on when we hop into bed.
Often times couples disengage from each other just to get everything done. Divide and conquer is the motto. After running in opposite directions all day, it can be difficult to feel connected to your significant other.
Add to all this those little things we do that irritate each other. What he said. How he said it. What he didn’t say, and what he should have said. And let’s not even get started on what he did and didn’t do. For every dirty, stinky sock not put in the hamper, the intimacy quotient diminishes exponentially.
Recently I saw Victoria’s Secret model and sexy bombshell Miranda Kerr on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson. During the interview she talked about her grandmother’s advice for a happy marriage. “My grandma said, ‘Men are very visual, so don’t forget that. Every day, put a little makeup on, put on some nice underwear, and you’ll keep your husband.’”
This got me thinking. What can we do to keep the fire burning? How do we maintain that intimate, sexual connection with the person who at one time rocked our world north and south of our equator? Here are some ideas. (Disclaimer: These tips are geared toward women for ease and clarity in writing. Anyone wanting to maintain intimacy should also heed these tips – intimacy goes both ways.)
1. Get Your Sexy On.
In order to have great sex, you have to feel great about yourself. We all have a little Jones in us. (Samantha, not Brigitte. Well, a little Brigitte is great too, but for sake of this topic, let’s go with Samantha.) Give her a call. Take her shopping. Make her your best friend. Here’s how I get in touch with my inner Samantha Jones.
I exercise. I go to yoga. I run. I walk. I go to Barre. Being in tune with your body and how it feels and how it moves is a great way to feel sexy. And when I do these things I wear flattering clothes. I don’t wear big, sloppy tshirts and old pants that make my butt look saggy. Nothing makes you frown faster than catching a glimpse of what appears to be a saggy behind in the mirror. Tune into your body and make it work for you. And do yourself a favor, look sexy while you do it.
I only wear pretty underwear. I threw away all my old, frayed undies. Lacy, beautiful under garments make you feel like a woman. Or better yet – like a lady, who wants to have sex!
2. Make Him Feel Adored.
Adoration is one of the most beautiful emotions. It’s love in the presence of respect. It’s pure and honest with no strings attached. How do you make your guy feel adored?
Touch him. There’s a lot to be said for the tender touch. A hand on his stomach as he walks past you on the way to the kitchen. Holding his hand in the car. Guys want to feel adored just like we do. When you feel adored by someone you can’t help but feel intimate. Feel those engines start to turn?
Tell him how great he is. As we all know, going out in the world and making your way, is not always an easy thing. We get beat up every now and again and would love a little TLC when we come home. Your guy is no different. He probably won’t ask for accolades, but make sure you offer them - unconditionally. Don’t do it with an expectation of something in return. Do it because you appreciate everything he does at home and admire who he is in the world.
Seduce him. Be the one to initiate the fun. Telling him how sexy he looks in the new t-shirt you bought him at Nordstrom. Tell him you’ll meet him at home for “lunch.” Send him a sexy text message. Or better yet, text him a picture of the sexy Eberjey set that was just delivered. I don’t care how long you’ve been dating, how long you’ve known him, or how long you’ve been married. Get in the game ladies! If you’re not seducing your man, there’s someone out there who will!
3. Don’t Lose Sight of the Big Picture.
Let’s not be a part of the he said/she said crowd. So many couples get lost in keeping track of you did this and I did that. How do you stop keeping track of hurt feelings and incomplete tasks? It’s easy. Stop.
Start with a Clean Slate and Positive, Sexy Thoughts. Wipe the slate clean every day. Just like you create your own personal reality through affirmations and positive thinking, you create your relationship reality the same way. Want a relationship filled with bitterness, no joy, and no sex? Keep being negative and judgmental. Want a healthy, intimate, sexy relationship that feels like a passionate love affair? Envision it, talk about it, and take action to make it happen. What you think, you will create. Think wisely.
Remember the Good Ol’ Days. Once upon a time, not so long ago…okay, that’s a line from a Bon Jovi song, which brings me to my next point. Remember the days when you and your guy were “livin’ on a prayer?” How you felt when he picked you up for a date? How you felt the first time he kissed you? I’m getting butterflies right now just thinking about it. Again, I don’t care how long you’ve been together, twenty days or twenty years, I want you to remember those times every day.
Make a Playlist. This will help you remember the “new love” days and help you get your sexy on. I’m a bit of a musicphile so I’m always creating playlists. Let’s create a playlist of all the songs that remind you of your guy and when you fell in love. Or a list of songs that make you want to get it on. Either way, you’ll be stoking those fires. David’s ringtone on my phone is Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s “Whatta Man.” Every time he calls me I hear, “What a man, what a man. What a mighty good man.” It makes me giggle, and it reminds me what a truly good man I have.
So should we heed Miranda Kerr’s grandmother’s advice about wearing lipstick and pretty underwear? It’s not a bad idea. But there’s a lot more to intimacy than looking pretty and having a physical connection. It’s about the emotional, spiritual side of passion. Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about sex at all. Maybe we need to strive for intimacy.
No, let’s talk about sex AND strive for intimacy. Greater intimacy will lead to more sex, which is always a great place to start…and end. So download some Salt ‘n’ Papa, put on your lacy panties, and go find your guy. That’s what I’m gonna do…